The Truth of Your Being Perpetually Surrenders to What Is

Awakening is a solitary journey. Only someone who has gone to the root of suffering can relate to how excruciating this process feels like, and that type of compassion is rare. The further you go, the less the company. You have to be prepared that almost no one will be able to relate to your experience. That is why I don’t recommend this to people who still have strong attachments to their lives.

It's wise to be discerning to whom you are sharing about the strange and bewildering phases of this unfolding. It's likely that friends will betray your trust, you see the perfection of it, and perhaps the company was never really there the way you imagined. Spiritual communities are not what they seem. It may first feel like you finally found companionship, people who share your deepest aspirations. After years of reclusion it can feel wonderfully soothing. However, sooner or later it becomes evident that these type of social settings are a playground for deep unconscious shadow that acts out in unpredictable, subtle and bizarre ways.

To fully enter in the unknown is to enter in inconceivable aloneness. You can’t take anything or anyone with you. The self cannot pass through that peculiar passage, not even the most subtle self sense that experiences itself as everything and nothing. It feels like fully exiting the world of conditioned relating. You will move among human beings, living a normal life, yet simultaneously traverse an invisible terrain of absolute silence and darkness, a path that pretty accurately resembles a crucification journey.

Spiritual materialism is everywhere, but it knows to mask itself well. It’s a shocking, heart breaking, heart opening discovery. Truth, authenticity and honesty have become terms that can mean pretty much anything anyone wants them to mean. Nondual teachings and pointers are co-opted by spiritual ego and used to enhance the fundamental self illusion. Unconditional love and compassion become terrifying weapons in the hands of charismatic teachers and leaders. Those in a vulnerable position are taken advantage of. Teachers who don’t practice or embody what they teach, but have the skill to dress their teaching in an attractive package, become famous and successful.

People want answers and promises, and those with psychological confidence deliver that kind of assurance and knowledge. They are convincing because the are convinced. In a way they are innocent in their ignorance, yet there is something distasteful in the way these collective delusions play out. It’s just gross, sad and disturbing.

When you fully step outside the subtle realms of spirituality with all their wonders, madness and power games, you realize you are perfectly alone. There can be a lot of grief when this hits you. It was not all bad, there were some ravishingly beautiful moments that are still alive in the body. It was an amazing dream. But now it's behind, and you know you can never be part of it again.

There is aloneness, but it does not feel lonely, nor does it feel like independence. Are you leaving the human condition, or regressing deeper into it? Nothing makes sense. All meaning collapses, even the most subtle one, all the ideas about what this was suppose to be like. All words of wisdom make you nauseous, all conclusions seem false.

And then, some sort of subtle shift seems to occur. True autonomy begins to silently emerge, from the willingness to enter deeper in this unknowable terrain and sustain the discomfort in the body. It’s only the last subtle thread of resistance that makes it first seem like hell.

Both loneliness and togetherness belong to the paradigm you left behind. This is a place of ineffable mystery. You finally let go of the hope that someone else has answers for your suffering. It feels a relief to just call it for what it is, all the promises of salvation advertised by spiritual traditions. “Bullshit”, you say.

In that moment, you begin to listen very deep your own experience. The suffering that seems so human, so pointless, was the portal all along. It’s not like it disappears, but it becomes tangible there is something else going on, something of a completely different order, that is magnificent and sacred beyond comprehension.

You have entered the open secret and lost yourself forever. The footprints of the masters are around you. It's a different kind of company, it’s not really connection in a human sense, but it feels deeply familiar.

It’s still dark and you can’t see anything, but the darkness begins to shine. It’s as if you have been carrying around chaos and confusion that was never yours, and suddenly it’s all released in this mystical illumination.

Willing to fully inhabit the existential aloneness something deep energetically dies: this very human need to be seen. It strangely feels like a real death. Even though you are so unfiltered, so here, so vulnerable, naked, at the mercy of everything, no one seems to see you. This is divine abandonment. You suffer more deeply than you could have ever thought it’s possible, even though there is no self, no actual reality to it. There are no explanations.

This is where nondual realization brought you. No one prepared you for this. The teachings don't talk about this. Your teacher abandoned you long time ago. They had no idea, they never found this place of enigmatic surrender in which the humanness and the divine merge. Somehow they missed the mark, did not see it, even though this is right in front of us all along. Knowledge blinds us from the redemption that is always-already-occurring.

The truth of your being perpetually surrenders to What Is.