ABOUT
As long as I can remember there was a longing for God, although for a long time I did not know what I was yearning for. In my early thirties, in Spring 2013, I then experienced a nondual opening I later came to know as kundalini awakening. It gave me a direct taste of a radically different, undivided mode of being, which was at the same time deeply familiar.
What followed was a thorough dark night of the soul during which the known identity self immolated. Eventually I found myself in a paradoxical free fall. Reality woke up to itself; the terrific dream of ‘I Am’ vanished as if it never happened.
It was a death, a full awakening to true nature ... an ecstatic mystery of living as unknowable vastness. This brutal, astonishing totality. The acclimation is its own journey, and gradually it became tangible that losing one's self, from the perspective of vastness, is an endless motion of self-giving.
If I were asked what was the salient factor in realization I would say relentless sincerity: desperate need for truth, knowing that nothing else would satisfy. Personally I came to this conviction exhausted by suffering, disillusionment and loss. In that sense, transience has always been my primary true teacher. She devoured me, and turned into a love affair.
Memory of life preceding awakening is not alive for me. I can access some snapshot-like impressions to a certain extent, but it does not feel like they belong to me. Even my awakening story feels a bit like a dream that happened to someone who never existed. I don’t relate to it personally, but it's a profoundly intimate thing to share.
Knowing that ‘I exist’ is the root illusion. It’s a marvelous dream of horror, glory, struggle and seeking in a world that once seemed so substantial and solid. It’s all gone with the sense of I — an inconceivable loss that broke the heart wide open. This is not wantable … and yet this is everything I ever truly wanted.
As the realization settles there is ineffable homecoming. Natural softening saturates everything. The Infinite revealed itself as unconditional love. That is what I see now when I look at all the trauma that catalyzed and intertwines with awakening in this experience.
~ Viivi (Syandinī)